I'm writing this blog to try and let people know what it is like to experience the World Cup in Europe. As this is really my first blogging experience, I've decided to cultivate a dedicated readership. Readers who are the most loyal, forgiving and enthusiastic people on Earth. Cubs or Red Sox fans? Jets or Bills fans? DC United or any hockey fan? While all these fans display good qualities, I'm moving in another direction. I'm directly appealing to the hardcore 17% of Americans who still approve of Vice-President Cheney. No matter what the VP says or does, these loyal fanatics stand by their man. And since this is approximately 50 million people, just think of the page views. So pack the cooler with beer and steaks, stuff the shotgun with birdseed and while getting chauffeured around on a big-game hunt, peruse this World Cup blog at your leisure as I present:
A Fair and Balanced View to Why It is Your Patriotic Duty to Root Against These Teams!!!
Angola, Togo, Ivory Coast and Ghana. I couldn't find any of these countries on the Fox News Global Map, so I googled them. Apparently, they are in some place called Africa. I know, I've never heard of it either.
Germany: gone soft, have a woman in charge for crying out loud
Poland: still has a whiff of communism around it
Ecuador: like Mexico, Jr.
Costa Rico: wannabe state
England: former colonializing Queen-loving bastards
Paraguay: won't let Haliburton gut their national resources
Trinidad and Tobago: Darwin invented his ridiculous theory there
Sweden: crazy socialist paradise
Argentina: their beef sucks
Serbia and Montenegro: Sounds like a drag queen's nightclub act
Netherlands: marijuana is legal!!
Mexico: illegals,illegals, illegals, illegals
Portugal: has too many nude beaches
Italy: part of Old, soft Europe
Czech Republic: only thing worse than a communist country is a failed communist country
Brazil: they enjoy life too much
Croatia: what have they done for us lately?
Japan: no longer unquestionly does what US tells it
France: for being French
Switzerland: U.N. lovers
South Korea: proximity to N. Korea must mean they are trouble
Ukraine: never trust any former part of Mother Russia
Spain: they speak Spanish
Tunisia: it just seems like a suspicious country
Now, that leaves you with 3 teams to root for (or support in soccer-lingo):
Saudia Arabia: love that princely oil
Australia: speak English and John Howard is Dick Cheney's 2nd cousin
USA, USA, USA!!!: unless you a tofu-eating, cross-dressing, American-hating pornograhper it is your duty to root for the good ole red white and blue.
(Editor's Note: Most or all of the above statements are untrue or at least severely factually-challenged, but if Big Media can't be bothered to fact-check then neither can this tiny blog).
I'll HOLLER at you later with some THOUGHTS on Opening Day of Germany 2006. If I type in all CAPS it's LIKE reading A Stephen A. Smith or Skip Bayless RANT.